The last few days I’ve tried to watch some movies. Not to kill time but to train my brain to focus. I’m not sure what the result is.

First I watched “The Shape of Water” – it intrigued me. It was about love and right and wrong. But mostly, for me, it was about being different from birth, trying so hard to fit in. And then you meet God and you are not really sure if life will be better for you, after you meet God. The end.

Then I watched “Horse Girl” – being fromTexas and all I would say that it was a bunch of horseshit. But mostly it was about a girl, who’s genes were coded with a mental disorder and throughout the movie, you got to see up close, and first handed what a psychosis looks like, and how the system failed to help. Perhaps if you can handle watching people falling apart mentally, this would be a good movie for you. It has absolutly nothing to do with horses, or Texas and I had to use the 20 sec. forward button which are on Netflix movies A LOT. I’ll never watch it again. It won several prices at The Sundance Festival.

The last night when I (again) could’t sleep, I watched “Nothing Hill” – it’s from 1999. I love it. I love Julia Roberts. I love Hugh Grant, even though he has 5 children with different women and the ages of each kid do not match a marriag knitted around fidelity. He’s a hound dog. In the movie he is the opperside. He should have had braces when he was a kid. And her wedding dress and hairdo is hiddius. But the movie I love. Once, decades ago, I was in London, waiting on a streetcorner when a man came up to me asking “How much?” “How much for an houre?” the next day I went to see the blue door in Notthing Hills, which is not really blue in real life.

And then just now, I watched “Red Sparrow” and I thanked myself for not being born in a country with a regime that would demand loyality for treason and safety, because I would so have done it. I would have been the best of the elite of the best. I have often in my saddest moments feelt a true bond with those who commit terror actions in the name of God, despite what name your God might have. When there is nothing else to hang on to, people turn to God – I know I do. I just haven’t meet anybody who belonged to a congregation or an organisation. But if I had, I would have been the best of the best. Because in that organisation or congregation I would have found what I lacked and that would give me a sense of coming home. And everybody needs a home. Even people like me. I would’t necessarily watch “Red Sparrow” again, but I’ll remember it. My brain will remember it.

Today it’s Valentines and I got no clue why my fingers started to type in English. Besides the insignificant fact that I’m a mess and when I’m a mess mess I turn to English. My savior was not an organisation or congregation, it was an Englishspeaking country far far away. I’m certain I would have died had I not gone away back then.

I stepped on a piece of glass yesterday or the day before, I don’t remember but my heel….. its so sore and hurtful. When I had the inspection on February 10th it was raining a lot and I got really wet and really cold. My right ear and lymph node is so so sore. I can’t even swollow without a distinguished pain going from my throat up to my ear and nearly makes me squint from pain.

I also ate a Calzone pizza with spagettie, ground meat and cheese inside. I sold a bulk trash chair today for 650 Kr and a pair of bulk trash spinning shoes for 90 Kr.

P.S: The title is inverted.